Thursday, June 10, 2004
Nutwatch 2004 - OJ Simpson is a murderer and the jury was either racist or absolutely so dumb they should have been sterilized so they could not spawn
In a week of sadness and madness, the media has stooped to the absolute lowest and rolled out murderer-set-free OJ Simpson to gloat over his high-rolling lifestyle and let him lie some more about killing two people and getting away with it.
It is a disgrace-almost as big as the fact nobody has pumped a few high-powered rifle slugs into him yet. Anyone with an IQ above room temperature can look at the evidence and understand that OJ killed Nicole and Ron Goldman. He did everything but sign his name in the blood.
Yet what was either a hopelessly racist or pathologically ignorant jury let OJ walk and the media feels like they need to make him a star again on the tenth anniversary of the slaughter.
In the spirit of this sort of media madness-I propose a new reality TV show called: Too Dumb to Live. The OJ Simpson spectacle will be the pilot episode.
A team of 12 people will be divided into Hunter and Truth teams. The Hunter teams will be sent to a week of special operations training and the Truth teams will be sent to Syria to learn interrogation techniques.
The game begins with the Hunter teams locating and capturing everybody deemed "too dumb to live." This includes OJ, the dream team, the jury, Judge Ito, Bryant Gumbel, and anyone recognizable from photographs that stood outside the courtroom in support of OJ.
The hunter teams will have one week to round up all the culprits. Points are earned for minimizing collateral damage, did the culprits wet their pants during the snatch phase, capturing more than 5 culprits in a day and other situations as the producers feel necessary.
The first question the hunter teams will ask is: "Do leather gloves shrink when they get wet?" (like when they have been drenched with blood) A "no" answer gets the culprit savagely caned and then whipped with a straightened clothes hangar.
The second question they will ask is: "Was this a spectacle of racism or living evidence of the bell curve?" Either answer will be considered correct. Answers other than these will result in the culprits being forced to strip naked and then shackled to the front of a working LA bus for a day.
Once all the culprits have been rounded up they will be put into chains and led into the Rose Bowl. Here, the Truth teams will take over.
The Rose Bowl will have the props for the ultimate media frenzy. There will be crosses, guillotines, stocks, whipping posts, and a full-scale mock up of Nicole's condo and OJ's then-house as well as a White Bronco.
For this episode, the culprits will be presented with evidence from the case and ask to decide whether it was a plus or minus for OJ. A jury of engineers will decide whether the culprit's answers make sense or not. A sense answer gets no points. A no-sense answer gets a point. A huge scoreboard will keep a running score.
Then the promo for the second episode will announce: The top three scorers will be forced to literally re-enact the crime. Who will be the victims? Who will be OJ? Tune in next week!
Friends this is the ultimate reality show--people being forced to atone for their actions with a global TV audience participating.
Every episode will build toward the literal re-enactment. The thousands of pieces of physical evidence will be rolled out and there will be whippings and canings and electrical shocks for culprits who can not give logical answers approved by the panel of engineers.
One episode before the finale, and the ultimate twist will occur. OJ gets to be Nicole. Smiling Johnny Cochran gets to be Ron. And Judge Ito gets to be OJ.
For the re-enactment, the three all get knives.
But wait, before the big re-enactment ALL the culprits are divided into groups of three, given knives and told they must literally re-enact the crime.
Imagine the media frenzy leading up to the final episode. Hysterical academics, journalists and politicians wailing over what has become the number one show of all time. Questions of personal responsibility and the quality of our legal system would permeate the talk shows.
Finally the big night arrives. In teams of three the culprits are led shackled onto a huge stage and presented with a question:
Did OJ Simpson kill Ron and Nicole? A 'yes' answer spares them from a literal re-enactment. On national TV they must apologize to the families of Ron and Nicole and admit their racism, idiocy and poor judgment to the world. After 20 lashes with a cane-there are instructed to pay 10 percent of their income until OJ's debt in the civil trial is paid.
A 'no' answer sets off the "too dumb to live," option. A global TV audience votes with their cell phones for each culprit's sentence: § Forced sterilization § Cutting out of their tongue § Sent to hunt for bin Laden
Finally-the finale-OJ, smiling Johnny and Ito are led out in chains. Smiling Johnny and Ito will be given a chance to roll on OJ. If they agree and admit that of course OJ did it-they will be spared the literal re-enactment.
But there is a twist. OJ, sociopath that he is, must first admit that he did it. If he refuses-the literal re-enactment begins.
As we cut away to the commercials, smiling Johnny and Ito start singing like a canary. "Sweet Jesus! Of course he did it," smiling Johnny begins….
Back from the commercial and Johnny Cochran sounds like the prosecutor. Ito tells him to , "shut the hell up and let me talk, windbag." Ito begins to cry and wail and beg for mercy.
"There has never been anybody more guilty," Ito cries. "I was weak. I was incompetent. I was intoxicated with TV."
Cochran begins to scream, "too much blood-juice should have used a gun."
"Guilty as sin-never thought we'd win."
The two are led away and put into the white Bronco.
OJ is led onstage and electrical tongs attached to various parts of his body. OJ will be asked to explain away all the accumulated evidence. Each answer deemed not logical by the panel results in an electrical shock.
When has reached 20 bad answers he receives 20 lashes with a cane. Anytime he uses racism, blames the media, or blames Nicole's friends a finger or toe is cut off.
When he gets to 50 bad answers gets to answer the ultimate question. Did you do it? A 'yes' answer sends him, smiling Johnny and Ito to prison for the rest of their lives.
A 'no' answer sees the three of them being led to the mock up of Nicole's condo
Fade to black.